The Greatest Lesson I Ever Learned about Leadership — at 35,000 feet.

Photo by John McArthur on Unsplash

What is it that really makes a truly outstanding leader? Is there one trait that, if developed and applied consistently, can change everything?

Here is my story of discovery of that one golden nugget.

I spent 9 years at a major multinational as a senior leader. During that time I reported to 3 different GM’s in the same $1 billion dollar plus division. As a life-long observer of human behaviour, what fascinated me was how different their leadership styles were. In particular, one of the three , Rich, was loved by everyone who worked there, saw the organisation through a complex shift in business focus while successfully setting the organisations course for the future. Despite working directly with him, I could never really work out exactly what it was that he had that made all this possible. Before he left I was determined to find out.

The Flight that Changed Everything

A couple of weeks before his departure at the end of his 3 year tenure, we were on a flight back from a review with our European region team. I realised that this was my opportunity to finally ask the question that had perplexed me during all the time we had worked together. So after the meal, I turned to him and said — ‘Rich, you are leaving in a couple of weeks and I have a question I have been burning to ask you for years. Now that I have you as a captive audience for another hour or so, I need to know something. He looked a little puzzled but in his usual friendly open manner he smiled and said ‘Ok, go ahead’.

‘You have been with us for 3 years and in that time we have been through some enormous challenges. A major restructuring, a whole new line of products based on new technology on top of a very successful navigation of new competitive threats. Yet, despite all of this pressure the organisation has been through, every one loves coming to work, and loves working for you. In these past 3 years, I have never heard anyone complain or say a bad word against you in spite of all the challenges you and the organisation have faced. So my question is really simple.

How the hell do you do it?

He smiled and with typical humility thanked me for my comment. Then he shared the insight that explained everything.

He said ‘ I can´t give people what they want. But I can always give them what they really need.

I was confused and intrigued.

‘And what is that? I asked

‘What people need is to always feel that they are seen and heard.’

In that moment it all became so clear. Like a movie reel, I recalled all the times I had observed Rich, whether it was in a one on one with me, strategic meetings with the full leadership team or simply getting food at the cafeteria.

He was always fully listening. Fully present. Leaning in to every conversation. When you had a meeting with Rich you prepared more than with anyone else. Not out of any fear or pressure, but because you knew he would be fully present, carefully listening to what you had to say, and then asking constructive and often challenging questions once you had finished. Making you feel seen. Heard. Valued. No interruptions. No hijacking the conversation. No assuming he knew better. Learning from every interaction. Every conversation.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Presence is a superpower so many of us have forgotten

Rich understood that leadership is first and foremost about people. That the greatest gift you can give another human being is your full attention — and that the greatest insult is to ‘be there’, but mentally and energetically be somewhere else.

It was incredible to see how much of an impact this one simple yet profound behaviour had on a whole organisation.

When he finally left, people literally cried. Lots of them.

That conversation changed how I understood leadership. It helped me to understand how much impact we have on others, not by what we say, but more by how we show up, and how we make people feel in our presence.

From that day forward, I have tried to practice as best I can how to be fully present in all situations and encourage my clients to do the same. Sometimes I fail, but every time I focus all my attention on the person in front of me, the difference is enormous. Presence is a powerful energy that we too often forget.

We place far too much emphasis on our words and our opinions.

While too often completely underestimating the impact our lack of attention is having on those around us.

An Invitation to a 7 Day Presence Challenge

So what is your relationship with presence? Are you aware of the impact your presence has on others? Can you create and hold space for people to express themselves?

Over the next week, I would like to invite you practice presence where ever you can. There are so many opportunities every day.

• In your next one on one meeting

• At the store checkout

• In a restaurant

• With your loved ones (especially children — the toughest audience and the true experts in presence!)

Let go of everything that is going on in your head for a moment and put your full attention on the person in front of you. Listen carefully to them as they speak. Feel their energy. Then watch the magic happen.